Picking Order

Barry Ronge: The most prominent appendage on your face is now stuck in the spotlight as your most distinguishing feature.

If you grew up in a polite household, you were probably told, at least once, not to pick your nose or, at the very least, to "use your handkerchief". Now, however, British scientists have come up with a theory that in crime detection a nose is a useful and possibly an even more effective way of identifying a crime suspect.

Fingerprints can be wiped off, and the use of gloves can conceal them entirely, but a nose is out there in plain sight. Unless a villain has a tame cosmetic surgeon in his gang, who is able to do a nose-job at the drop of a scalpel, the old saying "The nose knows" could soon be a crucial feature of criminal investigations.

Dr Adrian Evans of the University of Bath says: "Noses are easy to photograph and hard to conceal, so a system that recognises noses would work better with an uncooperative subject or for covert surveillance."

With all due respect to the good doctor, is there anyone reading this column who is surprised by his "findings"? Is there anyone who has not, at some stage, stared at their nose with admiration or - more likely - with a sense of disappointment about the genetic machinations that placed that specific hooter on their face?

Why should the nose now leap into prominence as a detection tool? Every humanoid creature from the Stone Age onwards has had a nose, so why should a scientist now suggest that it is a useful tool when identifying criminals?

Well, to start with, it is the part of the face that protrudes furthest, therefore it is the first object you are likely to see and notice. Unless, of course, you have had a bad Botox job done on your lips.

In the ritzier enclaves of Joburg and Cape Town, I have seen Botox lips so large and protrusive that I wonder if they can possibly be wedged open far enough for food to enter the mouth, but they are the exception to the rule.

Even though the schnoz is the facial feature we see first, I'd say it's with the eyes that we engage most readily. Unless the honker is really protuberant and mottled with little veins and pores like craters, I don't think it's the first thing you look at.

There's a lot of truth in the old saying, "The eyes are the window to the soul", and there is no one amongst us who has not instantly grasped the mood and the attitude of another person by simply looking, even just for a few seconds, into their eyes.

Not even the most skilled deceivers are able to conceal that momentary flash of liking or loathing and, in most cases, not even the broadest smile can soften it.

The mundane proof is that anyone who wants to stay incognito usually pops on a pair of ultra-dark sunglasses. You never know what they are really thinking or feeling if you cannot see their eyes. My theory is that anyone who conducts a conversation with you while wearing dark glasses either does not really want to talk to you or is planning to lie to you.

I've been wearing spectacles since I was five years old and over the years various eye doctors have told me that the iris of your eye is as unique as your fingerprint and there are many physicians who see the iris as a diagnostic tool.

Can that be said of your nose? If it happens to be red and dripping, that's a no-brainer. But can the curl of a nostril betray some devious strategy? And if noses are such a giveaway, why hasn't anyone created some structure or appendage - like dark glasses - that can conceal hidden emotions or devious intent?

Scientists working on the prominence of the nose have offered this statement: "The nose is hard to conceal and relatively invariant to expression" which is hardly a dazzling insight, but they go on to say that "the nose's biometric potential is largely unexplored", and that is the reason for their research.

Biometrics, in case you are wondering, is defined thus: "In computer security, biometrics refers to authentication techniques that rely on measurable physical characteristics that can be automatically checked. There are several types of biometric identification schemes: facial characteristics; fingerprints; hand-geometry; the retina; the iris; the analysis of the pattern of veins on the back of the hand and the wrist; and, of course, the voice."

Now, it would seem, it is the turn of the snout, and they have defined five nasal forms: Snub, meaning that you are quick-witted, agile and attentive; Nubian, meaning that you are creative, passionate, charismatic and naturally charming; Roman, which indicates a careful, thoughtful, strong thinker who plans and studies before he or she takes action; Hawk, which means you are an individual who does not follow the crowd, and creates your own success; and Turned-Up, which means you are kind, sexually expressive and full of character.

So take a long hard look in the mirror to see if your nose really knows, who and what you are, and if you don't like what you see, head for your surgeon, and see if transforming your Hawk schnoz into a Turned-Up one really changes you from a strong, studious thinker into someone who is sexually expressive and full of character. If it makes you change your ways, let me know, because at this stage of my life I really need a Turned-Up nose.