Hogarth 28 July 2013

Brother leader's first lesson: first smoke, then mirrors

First he appointed himself commander-in-chief, a title usually reserved for No 1, then he launched a manifesto calling for the abolition of national borders across Africa, which idea was first mooted by wannabe All-African President Muammar Gaddafi.

Now Wee Julius Malema's little army has set its sights on world domination - and, as always when dictators are involved, in the name of the people. "Our decision is to fight for the economic emancipation of the people of South Africa, Africa and the world," the EFF says in the first line of its founding manifesto.

The lad learnt well from his late Libyan mentor, who may or may not have been an early benefactor: aim high, invoke the name of the people whenever possible, but make very sure you never actually give them a chance to decide anything.

Hogarth notes, in this regard, that Wee Julius has appointed himself to the top job and his friends to the support positions. And he has made no promise of internal elections until after he is safely ensconced in parliament.

An EFF for consistency

ONE does have to wonder, though, whether the little CiC has actually read this manifesto.

It says public office bearers should not be given cars or houses by the state, yet he continues to fly at the front of the plane and get driven around in million-rand cars, which, as everything he has is being sold to address a R16-million tax bill, he patently cannot afford.

His manifesto also says the state should own all property, including houses, and hand them out at its discretion, which seems at odds with the mansion - complete with cigar bar, cinema and security bunker - that he was building for himself before everything went pear-shaped.

All will be well

THE manifesto adds: "The state's dependence on tenders has massive political implications and often reduces the quality of work provided because of corruption and the corruptibility of the whole tendering system." Through his own bitter sweat and toil, Wee Julius has experienced a sad epiphany - powerful orators and their parasites don't build powerful roads and bridges. But never mind, when the state runs everything, everything will work.

And the banned played on

AND then there is the proposed ban on perks for politicians. Has he forgotten his recent comment that no one asked him to pay taxes while he was inside the ANC leadership? Perhaps that won't apply to commanders-in-chief.

To the barricades

BUT are we in for a little civil war, Hogarth wonders. A sweet note from the kids at COPE arrived under a colourful banner commanding "All youth to the front line."

Whatever happened to cops and robbers?

A decision to mull over

IF the EFFing Army and Mistress Mamphela's Gang are not to your taste, there is still the Desperate Alternative to the ANC kleptocracy.

But don't look for Godzille's smooth cheeks on your ballot paper, look for the many-fingered green leaf because the party, which recently recruited stoned Thembu King Buyelekhaya Dalindyebo, is now the Dagga Alliance.

When you're a Jet ...

IN the way of things in the Cape, it was all about gangs in Godzille's seaside parliament this week. Where her team claimed it had affidavits from gangsters naming ANC provincial chairman Marius Fransman as a client of theirs, the ANC claimed, in turn, that it would soon prove DA community safety MEC Dan Plato's close association with the tattooed people.

Takes one to know one was all Hogarth could conclude from the feisty exchange.

Up in arms. Again.

PARLIAMENT'S defence committee is trying, Hogarth hears, for a secret meeting to discuss plans for a R100-billion defence upgrade.

With most of the helicopters, nearly all of the Gripen fighters and all but one of the submarines in mothballs, it is hard to imagine why the boys and girls in uniform want even more toys they cannot work.

All the cars, houses and fortunes funded from the last package must need upgrading, rather like No 1's country estate.

Modern marriage

COULD New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, who sends anatomically detailed cellphone pictures to women, be on to something? Should Lothario No 1, purely for efficiency's sake, consider group-sexting his wives when he is away? A picture could be worth 5000 words, if it is seen by five women.

Write to hogarth@sundaytimes.co.za